Hysterical home truths about the women in your life
Some visitors to this page might wonder why we have published a large selection of jokes only about stupid women. The answer's quite simple really. Very few, if any, publishers have the courage to publish books with jokes about women. We have been awash for many years with jokes about men, greetings cards with jokes about men etc. But women? No. We really cannot understand why there has been no outcry from women in general, and feminists in particular, about this denial of equality to them. Being Suffragents we are, of course, fighting for equality, so, in order to treat women equally we publish the following selection. The time has come to have jokes about women. Enjoy! And if you have any jokes you'd like to share, send 'em in.


Why do women act like idiots?
Who says they're acting?

Women are alright in their place. The only trouble is most of them don't know their place.

Behind every successful man is a woman who spends his money.

Men have many faults, women only two: everything they say and everything they do.

If you want anything said, ask a woman. If you want anything done, ask a man.

Why do women leave smelly underclothes and tights soaking in the handbasin and then complain they've got nothing to wear?
(sent by Rod)

Why should men keep a chess set by the side of their beds?
So they'll have something to do while she's getting aroused.

What's the difference between a pig and a stupid woman?
There are some things that even a pig wouldn't do.

Randy woman: Would you like me to get inside your trousers?
Man: There's already one arsehole in there and that's enough.

Woman: Don't you think that a woman;'s charisma is more important than the size of her breasts?
Man: But you've hardly got any charisma either.

When the doctor told a woman she was impotent she replied. "Oh, that means I'm well known doesn't it?"

When you're introduced to a woman never ask "How are you?" or she'll spend the next 30 minutes telling you.

Wife: You are fortunate to have met me. Women like me don't grow on trees you know."
Husband: No, they swing from them.

I keep taking my wife on long journeys, but she always finds her way back.

Eager young girl: I'm going to make you very happy.
Man: Oh good. You're going.

Eager girl: If you ever fall in love with me, I'll be waiting for you."
Boy: If I ever get that desperate I won't be worth waiting for.

Panting girlfriend: When can we be alone?
Reluctant boyfriend: Preferably when we are not together.

When the boyfriend asked the stupid girl if she'd like him to lick cream off her nipples, she said "There's none on them."

How many women does it take to tile a bathroom?
One. If you slice her very thinly.

What did God say after creating man?
I’ve run out of good ideas. Now what can I do?

How are wives like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
(sent by Ken)


Monica Lewinski's brain

Monica was hurrying down a crowded New York sidewalk when her knicker elastic suddenly snapped and her brain fell out. She looked around but couldn't find her brain anywhere.

So she decided to look for a shop that sold brains. Eventually she came across one which had two brains in the window: a man's brain on sale at $25 and a woman's brain on sale at $100.

'That's not fair!' she said, so she stormed into the shop.

'I want a new brain, but why are you charging four times as much for a woman's brain as for a man's brain?'

The shopkeeper smiled at her. 'Ah, well, you see Miss, we can't charge as much for the man's brain. It's been used.'
(sent by Dave)

Do you speak to your wife when you make love?
Only if I have my mobile with me.

Women are like carpets. You lay them right the first time and you can walk on them for the rest of your life.

I eventually found Miss Right and married her. The only trouble was that I didn't know her first name was Always.

Her mother should have thrown her away and kept the stork. It would have been more interesting.

Why do women have to take off their bras to count up to 22?

Why are really nice babes like public toilets?
There's not many around.
They're always engaged.
They're full of crap.

Protitute: Would you like a nice time dearie?"
Man: I was having a nice time till you turned up."

While a successful and beautiful actress was speaking on TV, my wife said, "Huh! These days a woman can get rich and famous without having a brain in her head."
I said, "You didn't."
(sent by Claire)

Why don't women have a sense of humour?
Well, to start with they have no sense.

In some countries you can have four wives: one for cooking, one for ironing, one for cleaning and one to tell the others when to do it.

What two little words will you never hear a woman say?
"My round."

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
Don't know. It's never been done.

What does it mean when you come home to a woman who gives you love and tenderness?
You're in the wrong house.

Woman: Do you mind if I smoke?
Man: I don't care of you burn.

Woman: Didn't we go out once or twice?
Man: It must have been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

Lost: pet dog and wife. Reward for return of dog.
(sent by Mac)


This was voted the best Australian joke of 2006

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger constable.
The sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.

'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'

The sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is. The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'

He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it. 'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?

'Well', the sarge says, 'If you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!'

(With grateful thanks to the blokes down under)

12 good reasons why computers must be female

1. They are impossible to figure out.

2. They break down for no apparent reason.

3. They communicate only with each other.

4. They have 'floppies'.

5. They have a slot in the front for inserting disks.

6. They have motherboards inside them.

7. They age rapidly.

8. They have their own peculiar language.

9. Once you take away their fancy accessories, they are not much to look at.

10. There is always a new model coming along to replace the old one.

11. Sometimes it's difficult to find the on/off button.

12. Their size does matter.
(sent by Taff)

People think of my daughter as a very bright young lady, and so she is, but we weren't so sure when she was younger, in the infants, Betty was different from all the other three year olds,
she was seven.

Joan and I have been wed for25 years....and it seems just like yesterday and you know what a ******lousy day that was.

Since my wife and I got married, I have never looked at another woman, she's put me right off them.

On our first anniversary, we revisited the hotel we spent our honeymoon at, but this time I ran into the bathroom to cry.

My wife used to dress to kill, now she just cooks that way.

I saw a girl in Playboy, her measurements were 40-24-34 and at last I realised what is wrong with my wife. She's inside out.

At the last wedding I went to, the bride was so ugly everyone kissed the groom.
(sent by Vern)

The easier option!

A man had just had a quarrel with his wife so he took his dog for a walk along a deserted beach. Suddenly he saw an old bottle lying on the sand. It had a cork in it so he pulled out the cork and out shot a genie.
'Thank you for releasing me,' said the genie. I will grant you any wish you desire.
The man thought for a moment and then said, 'Well, I have to go to America quite a lot on business. I don't like flying or sailing so I'd like you to build me a bridge across the Atlantic so that I can drive across.'
'Wow!' said the genie. 'A bridge across the Atalntic! Now that's a tall order even for somebody like me. Can't you think of something easier for me to do for you?'
The man thought for a moment and then said, 'Alright, then tell me how a woman's mind works.'
'This bridge,' said the genie, 'how many lanes do you want and do you want lights on it?'
(sent by Melanie)

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish.
The husband wished for a trip around the world with his wife. Whoosh! Immediately he had airline/cruise tickets in his hands.
The woman wished for a male companion 30 years younger. Whoosh...immediately she turned ninety.

A hopeless new housewife decided to wash her husband’s sweatshirt. She gazed at the washing maching wondering what setting to use. In the end she had to phone her mother for advice.
" It depends," her mother replied. "What does it say on the shirt?"
She replied, "Men rule OK."
And now you know why they do!

How do women exercise on the beach?
By sticking out their chests and sucking in their stomachs every time they see a man.

Women can keep a secret just as well as men can. It's just that it takes more of them to do it.
(sent by Dave)


Dear Lord,
I pray for wisdom to understand my woman;
Love to forgive her;
And patience for her moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for strength,
I'll beat her to death.

A middle aged couple, Tom and Rita who were rather short of money decided to advertise for a lodger to help out, so they put an advert in their local paper. The first reply was from a young woman, Melody, who asked to come to see her room.
When she arrived she was greeted warmly by Rita who showed her the room.
"This looks very warm and comfortable," commented Melody. "I'd like to take it if I may."
" But there’s something I should tell you first," said Rita. "As there is no bathroom in the house, we have to bath in a tub we keep in the kitchen."
" Oh, I'm a country girl," replied Melody. "I've even had to take baths in the river."
She moved in and on the first day was introduced to Tom who was surprised that they were getting a female lodger.
" How about her taking a bath?" he queried. "It doesn't matter if I walk in and out of the kitchen while you are bathing but I can't do it with her, and she can't do it with me either."
" It's OK assured Rita. You are out playing darts most nights after seven o'-clock. I'll arrange for her to take her bath while you are playing darts with the team."
When Rita showed Melody the tub and the way to fill it and so on, she took it in her stride and as soon as the bath was full she stripped off and got in thanking Rita for her help. She didn't mind a bit that Rita stayed and they had quite a long chat. Rita couldn't help noticing that Melody had a smooth, shaved pussy. This was in the days before it became so popular with most women.
When Tom returned from his practice with the darts team in a nearby pub, Rita told him about Melody's shaved pussy.
"That sounds interesting," he said. "I'll have to find a way of getting a look at that."
Rita thought for a moment and then said: "Next time she has a bath, I'll leave the kitchen window curtains slightly open. You can pop back from the darts practice and have a look and then go back to finish your darts."
The following evening they put their plan into action. Rita left the curtains slightly open and then stood behind Melody so that she wouldn't be in Tom's way. When she saw a slight movement outside the window she pointed at Melody and then pulled up her skirt, pulled down her panties and showed her own hairy pussy. She then went around to the side of Melody and kept her talking so that Tom could continue looking.
When he came home that night he was furious. "What's wrong?" asked Rita. "Couldn't you see her shaved pussy?"
" Oh yes, I could see it all right," he replied. "But why did you have to lift your skirt and show your pussy?"
" Well, only to show the difference," replied the puzzled Rita. "But what are you fussing about? You've seen my pussy hundreds of times."
" Yes, I know," Tom replied. "But the rest of the darts team haven't!"
(sent by Harry)

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive woman?
A: A rumour

A wife walked into the lounge dressed in a brief bikini. "Honey what do you think the neighbours will think if I mow the lawn dressed like this?"
" Probably that I married you for your money," he replied.

Assertive women

At a World Women's Conference, the debate was on the role of the sexes in the home.
The first speaker from Canada stood up:
"At last years conference we spoke about being assertive with our husbands.Well, after the conference I went home and told my husband from now on he would need to do his own cooking.
On the first day, I saw nothing.
On the second day, I also saw nothing.
Then on the third day I saw he had cooked a lovely roast beef."
The crowd cheered.
The next speaker from France stood up:
"Last year I went home to my husband and said I would no longer do his laundry. On the first day I saw nothing. On the second day I also saw nothing, but on the third I saw he had done not only his own laundry but all of the family's."
The crowd erupted.
The third speaker from Glasgow, resplendent in Celtic top, stood up:
" Efter last year's Conference, ah went hame and tellt ma man that ah widnae dae his cookin',cleanin' or shoppin' and he wis tae dae it himsel'.
Eftir the furst day ah saw nuthin'.
Eftir the second day ah saw nuthin'.
But eftir the thurd day ah could see a wee bit oot o' ma left eye."

(sent by Tony)

A new member of a golf club got confused as to which hole he was on. Seeing a woman playing ahead of him, he walked over and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied, "I'm on the 8th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 7th hole." He thanked her and continued his round.
Later, the same thing happened, and he approached the same woman with the same request. She answered, "I'm on the 16th, and you are one hole behind me, so you must be playing the 15th. "Again he thanked her.
He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the same woman sitting at the end of the bar. He went over to her and said, "I'd like to buy you a drink to thank you for your help." They started talking and he asked her what her job was. She said she was a saleswoman. He said that was a coincidence as he was a salesman also. He asked what line she was in.
She was rather shy about it and replied, "If I told you, you'd laugh."
" Why would I laugh?" he said.
She replied, "I sell tampons."
With that he almost fell off his chair with laughter.
She said, "I told you you'd laugh."
" I'm not laughing at what you sell," he replied. "I sell toilet rolls, so I'm still one hole behind you!"

(sent by Bethany)

A man meets an attractive lady in a bar.
"If I buy you a drink will you have sex with me?"
"Certainly not" the woman retorts, angrily.
"How about dinner and a nice hotel room, then?"
"No, of course not, I don’t even know you."
He pauses to look at her appreciatively.
"Look, I’ve just won the lottery, how about I buy you an Aston Martin and take you to live in a large country house?"
Her eyes widen, her mouth drops open, then she smiles, hungrily.
"You can do what you want with me, in that case."
His face looks puzzled.
"So, how come you wouldn’t have sex with me for a drink?
"What kind of girl so you think I am?" she demands.
He smiles again.
"We’ve already established that you’re a whore - all we’ve been arguing about is the price !"
(sent by Athos)


He's sitting at the table drinking his coffee.
His son is on the cover of the Business Week.
His daughter is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
His girlfriend is on the cover of Playboy.
And his wife is on the back of the milk carton!
(sent by Yank)

These two graphic items sent in by Chas. He says that every time he uses his ashtray to stub out a cigarette, his girlfriend winces and crosses her legs. I wonder why?
If you want proof
of global warming
press here

A Letter from Men to Women

To all women, On behalf of all men I would like to clarify a few points:

1. The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location.
2. Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing.
3. When watching TV, hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen. Kissing should only be done during commercials. Questions should also be limited to this period as you stand a much better chance of getting an immediate response.
4. If you need help with the laundry, I am more than willing to carry it from the bedroom to the washer. In my mind this is half the job done and I am now free to return to the couch.
5. If you don't like the way I am driving, close your eyes. And I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making that inhaling alarmed noise. I haven't hit anything yet and if I do it will be your fault.
6. I go clothes shopping to buy, never to look.
7. Remember that it takes me less than ten minutes to get dressed no matter what the occasion is. After all I am getting dressed, not getting ready.
8. Don't ask me if I prefer one of your outfits over another or if a certain accessory should be worn or not. I consider this a no win situation and would rather just wait for you to get dressed while I'm watching TV.
9. If you want me to put the seat down when I am finished then you should leave the seat up when you are finished. It's only fair.
10.Yelling to me across the house sounds exactly like stadium crowd background noise to me. I am not ignoring you.

Thank you for your understanding, From all men.

(sent by Rob)

An ugly woman was walking along the street and a man comes up to her and asks:"Are those 2 kids yours?"
" Yes," said the woman.
" Are they twins?" asked the man.
" No, no, the girl is 12 and my boy is 7. How come you think that they are twins?"
" Because I can't believe that you've had sex twice."

Tidy Housekeeper?
The bride was anything but a tidy housekeeper. It didn't bother her much until one evening when her husband called from the hall, somewhat dismayed: "Honey, what happened to the dust on this table? I had a phone number written on it."

The love dress
The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped inside. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.
" What are you doing?" she asked.
" I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
" But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
" This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
" Love dress? But you're naked!"
" My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute."
On the way home the mother-in-law thought about the love dress. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.
" What are you doing?" he asked.
" This is my love dress" she replied.
" It needs ironing." he said.

(sent by Sally)

Rules for women

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us griping about you leaving it down.
2. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
3. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
4. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
5. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
6. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
7. Crying is blackmail.
8. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
9. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
10. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
11. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
12. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
14. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
15. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
16. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
17. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
18. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
19. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
20. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
21. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
22. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
23. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
24. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
25. You have enough clothes.
26. You have too many shoes.
27. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.
Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.