TOTALLY STUPID WOMEN
Hysterical home truths about the women in your life
Some visitors to this page might wonder why we have published a large selection of jokes only about stupid women. The answer's quite simple really. Very few, if any, publishers have the courage to publish books with jokes about women. We have been awash for many years with jokes about men, greetings cards with jokes about men etc. But women? No. We really cannot understand why there has been no outcry from women in general, and feminists in particular, about this denial of equality to them. Being Suffragents we are, of course, fighting for equality, so, in order to treat women equally we publish the following selection. The time has come to have jokes about women. Enjoy! And if you have any jokes you'd like to share, send 'em in.
Why do women act
Women are alright in their place. The only trouble is most of them don't know their place.
Behind every successful man is a woman who spends his money.
Men have many faults, women only two: everything they say and everything they do.
If you want anything said, ask a woman. If you want anything done, ask a man.
Why do women leave smelly underclothes
and tights soaking in the handbasin and then complain they've got nothing
Why should men keep a chess set by the
side of their beds?
What's the difference between a pig and
a stupid woman?
Randy woman: Would you like me to get inside your
Woman: Don't you think that a woman;'s
charisma is more important than the size of her breasts?
When the doctor told a woman she was impotent she replied. "Oh, that means I'm well known doesn't it?"
When you're introduced to a woman never ask "How are you?" or she'll spend the next 30 minutes telling you.
Wife: You are fortunate to have met me.
Women like me don't grow on trees you know."
I keep taking my wife on long journeys, but she always finds her way back.
Eager young girl: I'm going to make you very happy.
Eager girl: If you ever fall in love with
me, I'll be waiting for you."
Panting girlfriend: When can we be alone?
When the boyfriend asked the stupid girl if she'd like him to lick cream off her nipples, she said "There's none on them."
How many women does it take to tile a
How are wives like lawn mowers?
Monica Lewinski's brain
Monica was hurrying down a crowded New York sidewalk when her knicker elastic suddenly snapped and her brain fell out. She looked around but couldn't find her brain anywhere.
So she decided to look for a shop that sold brains. Eventually she came across one which had two brains in the window: a man's brain on sale at $25 and a woman's brain on sale at $100.
'That's not fair!' she said, so she stormed into the shop.
'I want a new brain, but why are you charging four times as much for a woman's brain as for a man's brain?'
The shopkeeper smiled at her. 'Ah, well,
you see Miss, we can't charge as much for the man's brain. It's been
Do you speak to your wife when you make love?
Women are like carpets. You lay them right the first time and you can walk on them for the rest of your life.
I eventually found Miss Right and married her. The only trouble was that I didn't know her first name was Always.
Her mother should have thrown her away and kept the stork. It would have been more interesting.
Why do women have to take off their bras to count up to 22?
Why are really nice babes like public toilets?
Protitute: Would you like a nice time dearie?"
While a successful and beautiful actress
was speaking on TV, my wife said, "Huh! These days a woman can
get rich and famous without having a brain in her head."
Why don't women have a sense of humour?
In some countries you can have four wives: one for cooking, one for ironing, one for cleaning and one to tell the others when to do it.
What two little words will you never hear a woman
How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
What does it mean when you come home to a woman
who gives you love and tenderness?
Woman: Do you mind if I smoke?
Woman: Didn't we go out once or twice?
Lost: pet dog and wife. Reward for return of dog.
This was voted the best Australian joke of 2006
A bloke's wife goes missing
while diving off the West Australian coast. He reports the event,
searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could
have happened to her.
(With grateful thanks to the blokes down under)
12 good reasons why computers must be female
2. They break down for no apparent reason.
3. They communicate only with each other.
4. They have 'floppies'.
5. They have a slot in the front for inserting disks.
6. They have motherboards inside them.
7. They age rapidly.
8. They have their own peculiar language.
9. Once you take away their fancy accessories, they are not much to look at.
10. There is always a new model coming along to replace the old one.
11. Sometimes it's difficult to find the on/off button.
12. Their size does matter.
People think of my daughter as
a very bright young lady, and so she is, but we weren't so sure when
she was younger, in the infants, Betty was different
from all the other three year olds,
Since my wife
I got married, I have never looked at another woman, she's put me
right off them.
The easier option!
A man and his wife, now in their
60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special
day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such
a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish.
A hopeless new housewife decided to wash
her husband’s sweatshirt. She gazed at the washing maching wondering
what setting to use. In the end she had to phone her mother for advice.
Women can keep a secret just as well
as men can. It's just that it takes more of them to do it.
A MAN’S PRAYER
I pray for wisdom to understand my woman;
Love to forgive her;
And patience for her moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for strength,
I'll beat her to death.
A middle aged couple, Tom and Rita who were rather short of money decided to advertise for a lodger to help out, so they put an advert in their local paper. The first reply was from a young woman, Melody, who asked to come to see her room.
When she arrived she was greeted warmly by Rita who showed her the room.
"This looks very warm and comfortable," commented Melody. "I'd like to take it if I may."
" But there’s something I should tell you first," said Rita. "As there is no bathroom in the house, we have to bath in a tub we keep in the kitchen."
" Oh, I'm a country girl," replied Melody. "I've even had to take baths in the river."
She moved in and on the first day was introduced to Tom who was surprised that they were getting a female lodger.
" How about her taking a bath?" he queried. "It doesn't matter if I walk in and out of the kitchen while you are bathing but I can't do it with her, and she can't do it with me either."
" It's OK assured Rita. You are out playing darts most nights after seven o'-clock. I'll arrange for her to take her bath while you are playing darts with the team."
When Rita showed Melody the tub and the way to fill it and so on, she took it in her stride and as soon as the bath was full she stripped off and got in thanking Rita for her help. She didn't mind a bit that Rita stayed and they had quite a long chat. Rita couldn't help noticing that Melody had a smooth, shaved pussy. This was in the days before it became so popular with most women.
When Tom returned from his practice with the darts team in a nearby pub, Rita told him about Melody's shaved pussy.
"That sounds interesting," he said. "I'll have to find a way of getting a look at that."
Rita thought for a moment and then said: "Next time she has a bath, I'll leave the kitchen window curtains slightly open. You can pop back from the darts practice and have a look and then go back to finish your darts."
The following evening they put their plan into action. Rita left the curtains slightly open and then stood behind Melody so that she wouldn't be in Tom's way. When she saw a slight movement outside the window she pointed at Melody and then pulled up her skirt, pulled down her panties and showed her own hairy pussy. She then went around to the side of Melody and kept her talking so that Tom could continue looking.
When he came home that night he was furious. "What's wrong?" asked Rita. "Couldn't you see her shaved pussy?"
" Oh yes, I could see it all right," he replied. "But why did you have to lift your skirt and show your pussy?"
" Well, only to show the difference," replied the puzzled Rita. "But what are you fussing about? You've seen my pussy hundreds of times."
" Yes, I know," Tom replied. "But the rest of the darts team haven't!"
(sent by Harry)
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive woman?
A wife walked into the lounge dressed in a brief bikini. "Honey
what do you think the neighbours will think if I mow the lawn dressed
A new member of a golf club got confused
as to which hole he was on. Seeing a woman playing ahead of him, he
over and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.
A man meets an attractive lady in a
A MAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:
These two graphic items sent in by Chas. He says that every time he uses his ashtray to stub out a cigarette, his girlfriend winces and crosses her legs. I wonder why?
If you want proof
of global warming
A Letter from Men to Women
(sent by Rob)
An ugly woman was walking along the
street and a man comes up to her and asks:"Are those 2 kids yours?"
The love dress
(sent by Sally)
Rules for women