12 good reasons why computers must be female
1. They are impossible to figure
out.
2. They break down for no apparent reason.
3. They communicate only with each other.
4. They have 'floppies'.
5. They have a slot in the front for inserting disks.
6. They have motherboards inside them.
7. They age rapidly.
8. They have their own peculiar language.
9. Once you take away their fancy accessories, they are not much to look at.
10. There is always a new model coming along to replace the old one.
11. Sometimes it's difficult to find the on/off button.
12. Their size does matter.
(sent by Taff)
People think of my daughter as
a very bright young lady, and so she is, but we weren't so sure when
she was younger, in the infants, Betty was different
from all the other three year olds,
she was seven.
Joan and I have been wed for25 years....and it seems just like yesterday
and you know what a ******lousy day that was.
Since my wife
and
I got married, I have never looked at another woman, she's put me
right off them.
On our first anniversary, we revisited the hotel we spent our honeymoon
at, but this time I ran into the bathroom to cry.
My wife used to dress to kill, now she just cooks that way.
I saw a girl in Playboy, her measurements were 40-24-34 and at last
I realised what is wrong with my wife. She's inside out.
At the last
wedding I went to, the bride was so ugly everyone kissed the groom.
(sent by Vern)
The easier option! 
A man had just had a quarrel with his wife so he took his dog for a walk
along a deserted beach. Suddenly he saw an old bottle lying on the sand.
It had a cork
in it so
he pulled
out
the
cork
and
out
shot a
genie.
'Thank you for releasing me,' said the genie. I will grant you any wish you desire.
The man thought for a moment and then said, 'Well, I have to go to America quite
a lot on business. I don't like flying or sailing so I'd like you to build me
a bridge across the Atlantic so that I can drive across.'
'Wow!' said the genie. 'A bridge across the Atalntic! Now that's
a tall order even for somebody like me. Can't you think of something
easier
for
me
to
do
for you?'
The man thought for a moment and then said, 'Alright, then tell me how a woman's
mind works.'
'This bridge,' said the genie, 'how many lanes do you want and do you want lights
on
it?'
(sent by Melanie)
A man and his wife, now in their
60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special
day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such
a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish.
The husband wished for a trip around the world with his wife. Whoosh!
Immediately he had airline/cruise tickets in his hands.
The woman wished for a male companion 30 years younger. Whoosh...immediately
she turned ninety.
A hopeless new housewife decided to wash
her husband’s sweatshirt. She gazed at the washing maching wondering
what setting to use. In the end she had to phone her mother for advice.
"
It depends," her mother replied. "What does it say on the shirt?"
She replied, "Men rule OK."
And now you know why they do!
How
do women exercise on the beach?
By sticking out their chests and sucking in their stomachs every
time they see a man.
Women can keep a secret just as well
as men can. It's just that it takes more of them to do it.
(sent by Dave)
Dear Lord,
I pray for wisdom to understand my woman;
Love to forgive her;
And patience for her moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for strength,
I'll beat her to death.
A middle aged couple, Tom and Rita who were rather short of money decided to advertise for a lodger to help out, so they put an advert in their local paper. The first reply was from a young woman, Melody, who asked to come to see her room.
When she arrived she was greeted warmly by Rita who showed her the room.
"This looks very warm and comfortable," commented Melody. "I'd like to take it if I may."
" But there’s something I should tell you first," said Rita. "As there is no bathroom in the house, we have to bath in a tub we keep in the kitchen."
" Oh, I'm a country girl," replied Melody. "I've even had to take baths in the river."
She moved in and on the first day was introduced to Tom who was surprised that they were getting a female lodger.
" How about her taking a bath?" he queried. "It doesn't matter if I walk in and out of the kitchen while you are bathing but I can't do it with her, and she can't do it with me either."
" It's OK assured Rita. You are out playing darts most nights after seven o'-clock. I'll arrange for her to take her bath while you are playing darts with the team."
When Rita showed Melody the tub and the way to fill it and so on, she took it in her stride and as soon as the bath was full she stripped off and got in thanking Rita for her help. She didn't mind a bit that Rita stayed and they had quite a long chat. Rita couldn't help noticing that Melody had a smooth, shaved pussy. This was in the days before it became so popular with most women.
When Tom returned from his practice with the darts team in a nearby pub, Rita told him about Melody's shaved pussy.
"That sounds interesting," he said. "I'll have to find a way of getting a look at that."
Rita thought for a moment and then said: "Next time she has a bath, I'll leave the kitchen window curtains slightly open. You can pop back from the darts practice and have a look and then go back to finish your darts."
The following evening they put their plan into action. Rita left the curtains slightly open and then stood behind Melody so that she wouldn't be in Tom's way. When she saw a slight movement outside the window she pointed at Melody and then pulled up her skirt, pulled down her panties and showed her own hairy pussy. She then went around to the side of Melody and kept her talking so that Tom could continue looking.
When he came home that night he was furious. "What's wrong?" asked Rita. "Couldn't you see her shaved pussy?"
" Oh yes, I could see it all right," he replied. "But why did you have to lift your skirt and show your pussy?"
" Well, only to show the difference," replied the puzzled Rita. "But what are you fussing about? You've seen my pussy hundreds of times."
" Yes, I know," Tom replied. "But the rest of the darts team haven't!"
(sent by Harry)
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive woman?
A: A rumour
A wife walked into the lounge dressed in a brief bikini. "Honey
what do you think the neighbours will think if I mow the lawn dressed
like this?"
"
Probably that I married you for your money," he replied.
Assertive women
At a World Women's Conference, the debate was on
the role of the sexes in the home.
The first speaker from Canada stood up:
"At last years conference we spoke about being assertive with our husbands.Well,
after the conference I went home and told my husband from now on he would need
to do his own cooking.
On the first day, I saw nothing.
On the second day, I also saw nothing.
Then on the third day I saw he had cooked a lovely roast beef."
The crowd cheered.
The next speaker from France stood up:
"Last year I went home to my husband and said I would no longer do his laundry.
On the first day I saw nothing. On the second day I also saw nothing, but on
the
third I saw he had done not only his own laundry but all of the family's."
The crowd erupted.
The third speaker from Glasgow, resplendent in Celtic top, stood up:
" Efter last year's Conference, ah went hame and tellt ma man that ah widnae
dae his cookin',cleanin' or shoppin' and he wis tae dae it himsel'.
Eftir the furst day ah saw nuthin'.
Eftir the second day ah saw nuthin'.
But eftir the thurd day ah could see a wee bit oot o' ma left eye."
(sent by Tony)
